Rapt, Pigeon-toed
that the faces hung, they say
in the alley where we became friends
you asked for something beautiful
with a pebble in my heart, I hit the streetlamps
till in my face, you saw it dark
beside the wafted path where bow-legged soldiers danced
to an anthem, pale and distraught
it was in the country where you called my name, that we heard it again
sheathed in time and callous, it sung loud
yet all you did was watch
there was a crevice in your mind where life became beautiful
where lilies limped upon a smile
it was in the season where you called my name, that we felt it again, yet no
entwisted and rapt in reality,
whose is it? you asked
yet all I did was watch
pigeon-toed
this is a moment where no corner lies untinctured
too late, the drum rolls in your eyes
I ask for something beautiful
but there is a soldier that stands over your plate
and this is a country where I cannot say your name
This was beautiful. Some lines were absolutely wonderful. Inspiring. I will return for a detailed critique.
OK, I am back as promised.
I would really delete “that” from the first line. It takes away from the emotion or premise.
In the middle of the poem you say “life became beautiful.” I have a feeling it ties into asking for something beautiful, but I would change it to another word since you are already asking for something beautiful at the end and in the beginning.
The rest of it was lovely. The end brought it all home for me.
where lilies limped upon a smile —> how pretty!
Noor
Sorry for the delayed comment Hera, domesticity has not allowed me any relaxation in the past few days.
Your poem is…haunting! Did you write this before or the story? I have a feeling this was written before. Please share the story here too, I’m sure it would be very interesting to see this experiment you have conducted of writing a poem and the story on the same topic! Let’s see what others have to say about it.
About the poem, I simply love the first line. Its amazing how it conjures this image of hanging face, like literally, dead, hanging bodies in streets.
“it was in the season where you called my name, that we felt it again, yet no” I would prolly break this line up into two or maybe even three. The long line you used in the last stanza worked. This one I think can be stronger if its shorter.
and as Noor already said about that line, how pretty!!
Good to read from you here, visit and contribute more often. You could also join our Mango Party if you’re interested : )
“sheathed in time and callous”…loved this expression…and the way it relates time to callous, for we are hardened emotionally, over time, just as we are softened physically.
But I am not sure I really got the basic theme. I am a little slow.
Thank you everyone for the lovely comments
.
Fraz,
I’m glad you like the expression because that’s what I intented to set forth. So there’s my boost
Sidra,
Yes this poem was written before the story and yeah, its fun working around that way. I think it was part of the story planning process haha.
I agree with your comment about the long line. I’ve tried working around with shorter ones, but it I thought it doesn’t work well, but I guess this is where I needed the feedback
.
Noor,
I think I should play around with ‘beautiful’ if it doesn’t work that well.
Thanks for the appreciation.
beautiful.