I Promised You Long Ago
Dedicated to you, my life!
I promised you long ago a story
Of you and me
And spirituality.
Of a feeling so strong
Of an unbreakable bond
Trust and dependence
Of pain so intense.
I promised you long ago a story
Of you and me.
But how cliched it all sounds
A story writ all yesteryears.
Of sighs clouding
reflected blank gazes
Of sobs melting into brave smiles.
But how cliched it all sounds.
I promised you long ago a story
Of you and me
Of you and me and history
Of a passion that lasts an eternity:
An immortal chameleon changing colours
A raindrop ever-transforming
A sensation burning the heart of Adam
An obsession shared by the infamous Satan.
I promised you long ago a story
Writ before you and me
A story of destiny.
When Ranjha once moaned,
I wept with him.
Juliet solaces me in my sleep.
When Coelho visits my grave,
His consoling eyes whisper, “You’re not alone.”
I promised you long ago a story
Of you and me.
Yes, my ache is shared by many
Yet you, my life, are mine alone
And the story writ eons ago
Brightens up with a new glow
With your compassion, your smile,
Your spirit-no, just your existence.
And so my story is mine alone.
A story I promised you long ago
A story of you and me.
I don’t know, Sana. It has its strengths and weaknesses. I will give you a detailed critique on this. Soon. I promise.
Sana,
Your poetic voice is strong and clear. The poem flows wonderfully. The words fit like they belong here.
Some issues. Rephrase the following:
“Of an unbreakable bond”
“Brightens up with a new glow”
I think the idea behind these phrases will translate better if you change the words. An unbreakable bond and a new glow are hackneyed images. Show me pictures here, instead of giving me descriptions. Does that make any sense at all?
“infamous Satan” would sound better if it is just “Satan.” Surely Satan does not need an adjective? The name itself says all there is to be said.
Also, a possible potential rephrase:
“How cliched it all sounds” introduces an element of informality that is completely absent from the rest of your poem. You could possibly change it to an image. I KNOW what you are trying to say, but my examples may not agree with your thoughts since we all see things differently. An image that I would use here would be something along the lines of:
“But it sounds so
Inconsequential,
Wasted –
Like young deaths.”
I DON’T KNOW…I am going in blind here.
OR Something softer:
“But it sounds like the
Rustle of an old weathered journal
Full of things that never came to pass.”
Does it clarify what I am trying to say? I am trying to replace the word cliched with an image that may NOT be the exact translation of it, but is close – something that communicates waste, loss, pointlessness. I am sure you will come up with a much better image that is inherently closer to the content of your poem.
Otherwise, great job. I enjoyed reading it and I especially liked the stanza with Adam and Satan in it.
Noor
Agree with Noor. Weaker than ur other werks. In the first stanza:
‘Of a feeling so strong
Of an unbreakable bond
Trust and dependence
Of pain so intense.’
This is all cliched. I would scrap this all and use more images and not vague abstract emotions.
Wonderful second stanza. I wouldn’t change a thing.
In third:
‘A sensation burning the heart of Adam
An obsession shared by the infamous Satan.’
Agree with Noor. Need rephrasing.
“When Ranjha once moaned,
I wept with him.
Juliet solaces me in my sleep.
When Coelho visits my grave,
His consoling eyes whisper, ???You???re not alone.???
I have a problem with this. You move fro past tense in ” I wept with him” to present “Juliet solaces me” too quickly. The transition feels weak.
The rest of the poem is fine.
Overall doesnt come close to the one with the mother. That was gorgeous.
7.5/10
Usman, are you planning on rating my poems or not, and this is in my angry voice!!! You must read and comment on the following this weekend:
Message to a Familiar
Small White Ones
And the same goes for all of you RIL-ers. I am going to stop commenting, too. I bet that will get your attention!
i’m on call today. So will comment in a few days!
hey thanks a lot for the detailed crit noor. im not really a big fan of this poem myself..i no its just a rough draft n needs lot of work…but i dont lik it enuff to work on it! lol…but ur suggestions sound great n ihink i might hav touch it wid a toothcomb…thanks a lot once again! lik always, ur crit is very valuable n helpful!
n bhayya u hav commented on this poem earlier as well…wen i first wrote it 6 or 7 months ago i think..then u were here in pak..sigh..
u dint lik it tab bhi! lol
but i think i might touch it with a toothcomb*
(typo) lol