You Fit Into Me
One helpless sunflower bud
Resting cosily in the round-bottom vase
Suckling on the green-brown waters
Swaying to the crooning
Of the foster womb.
“You fit into me.”
Caressing the sparkling dew
Falling off the sugary bud,
The woman hums softly, sleepily,
Happy tears drowning her eyes,
Dancing to the mute chuckle
Within her. A smile.
“You fit into me.”
Putting aside her diary,
Shifting in her warm bed,
Smiling at the pain which shot up
Inside her huge self,
Hurting like a bristling cactus.
A beaming sniff. “You fit into me.”
“My part which I wish to part from,
Yet never let go, willst thou
Love me as I adore thee
With the fervor and passion
Which shames the angels?
Willst thou believe with how many
Nurtured hopes and fears, I wish
Thee to enter and explore this world
Of beauty and brutality?
How I wish you know!
You fit into me.
You fit into me?”
Sighing softly, she turns off the light,
Crooning to her womb, her eyes still bright.
Sana,
what form is this? It sounds like a modified sestina. I could be way off here. I can’t place the form at all.
Let me know. I will reserve comment until then.
Noor
Noor,
lol..this isnt any specific form. i wrote this in class with a friend aiwain widout any form in mind…so its just a regular poem
tho if u wanna mould it into any specific form, im open to it…
lol
This can very easily be turned into a sestina. Read up on that. Independently, the poem is good, not your best work by any standards, but good nonetheless. The idea is very unusual and I am sure you can find better words to explain it. The biggest problem I had with it was your excessive use of adjectives and adverbs. Try to be less wordy. The title works well and the repetition i.e. variations of the singular theme are interesting.
Noor
Like I said to u on the phone, kiddo, I think this is the best poem Ive seen from u. The words croon to each other, and are as tight a fit as any. I love the way your contemporary poetic expression fits in with old English as flows in the dialogue. Marvellous.
Try as I did, I couldn’t find a single thing wrong with this. Kudos!
9.5/10
lol..this is fun…bhayya n noor hav opinions poles apart..any other critic willing to help decide whether this is a “marvellous” poem or “not my best work by any standrards?” lol ahaha…
fun!
husnain n tt, if u dint realize, i was talkin bout u!
n anybody else willin to help me too, obviously..lol
Yaar, I only meant that you are a wonderful writer (I have read your poetry and prose, and I am sufficiently impressed by it), I just KNOW that you can polish this poem a bit more and make it even better than what it already is.
Yes sana I am aware you are refering to me(Sidra) and now that I read your poem ‘critically’ I will have to agree with your borther. I think it is one of your very good pieces. I don’t remember much of your poetry, you wrote it almost six months ago, but this one is really good. The only problem though, which I had and I dunno about others is the shift is language, the heavily use of ‘thou’ and ‘thee’ in the last stanza. It doesn’t go with the language of the rest of the poem. If you were to turn it to simple ‘you’, in my opinion it would work better.
lol noor i hav no prob wid u sayin anythin n i tak ur critique very seriously..i just found it funny that bhayya thought the words were just fine n u thought they were excessive…so i got confused…no masla at all..
n thanks for the compliment!
sana i like to friendship with you i live in Rawalpindi Tench bhata. my # is 03455262278 & 03345155056
OH MY GOOD GOD! WHAT IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN!! SOMEBODY REPLY TO THIS!
first time i came to this site. Read your poem, really nice. Have you written or tried to write something about courageous, passion or something related to these emotions. I am very interested to see how you can express these in your poems. All the best. KK
Judging from the title I thought this was a love poem with E.E. Cumming’s effect of “I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.” The “into me” seems to imply the inspiration of something where as the child budded in her to begin with. Perhaps, the child has started penetrating into her heart and her essence from just being in the womb?
Hmmm, very interesting.