Note: This poem has not been written by me. The author chooses to remain anonymous. I am merely the one who is putting it up.
Dedicated to my mother and father
Amma, Abu, I finally understand…
You and I
always in a circle
over and over again
bound, chained, cemented
our bond poured in concrete
now and forever
in sickness and in health
not even death do us part.
Once our passion - a raging fire
now like broken glass - scattered on ice.
Two big cats forced into a cage
Fangs drawn, claws out,
ready to pounce, ready to strike.
We drag through life
suffering each other
bit by bit
drop by drop
moment by moment.
Dearly ‘beloved’
I am your prison and you are mine
I am your punishment and you are mine
I am your doom and you are mine.
You and I
always in a circle
over and over again
ABOUT
Powerful, the images of concrete, of eternally being bound. The refreain works well too and the Yin and Yang image just complements tremendously! However I would’ve liked a longer poem, a few more stanzas in there after the refrains. But it seems like catharsis, a whim write, and those sometimes don’t comes out as poetically trimmed as the rules would want.
Good powerful emotions in there!
Who is the author?
In response to your comment I have borrowed the lines below from the poem definition http://www.readitlive.com/2007/12/07/definition/
No, this is not poetry,
And I am no poet.
Haha! Hmm… ok, Uncategorized, whoever you are, I will give you my comments because that’s just what I do!
First of all “we go at it” is a very casual phrase, and I would ask you to change it to something stronger and less vague.
These were the strongest lines of the poem. Very well-written:
“I am your prison and you are mine.
I am your punishment and you are mine.
I am your doom and you are mine.”
Also the repetition of “you and me…again” could be limited to the beginning and the end of the poem.
The theme of “always in a circle” recurs throughout the poem, and I really like how you have kept it consistent. That was very well done. Good job there.
The idea was strong, the execution was good, but it can be improved if you get rid of the casual language and improve the images just a bit. I like the idea A LOT. I like the short lines and the line breaks work well.
Hmm…what else? Oh yeah, it would be great if you reveal your identity. : )
-Noor
And if you read Definition, you should have commented on it.
Thanks Noor, I will make these changes to the jibberish I wrote. I think it will make it a lot better.
With time I will probably add more stanzas to it as well.
I will try and comment on Definition as well :).
As for my identity… I am lost. Just when I think I have found myself. I realize that I am lost all over again.
I know you are not new to RIL. And I don’t think I need to know who you are to comment on your work, but still it would be nice to know who I am talking to.
Also, your work is not gibberish. It is your duty as a poet/writer to stand by your work. If you don’t, who will? : )
Noor
Also, how about changing it to “you and i” instead of “you and me?”
Ufff! Short and yet so powerful. That reminds me of some old couples I see sometimes, who don’t even talk to each other anymore. They just co-exist. I love the image of the bond poured in concrete. It’s as much a symbol of helplessness as strength.
Btw, Sidra and Noor, while you’re both here, what do you think would be a good timeframe for trying out the story writing thing? When are you getting over with your sems, and would you be interested?
I think Sana once said she wanted to do it too…
I’m good after 12/14. And Hasnain, READ DEFINITION!!!!!
Uncategorized, where is the rest of the poem?!?!
I am sorry about the poem . I was editing it and I mistakingly wiped out half of it. Hasnain you should probably read it again. This text is a work in progress.
The re-works work wonders! good feedbak and good reworking. Its hard to re-work once you’ve written something and improve it significantly.
And Husnain, I suggested we keep it after Eid, which I am not sure is on what date. We get off on 18th but I need 2-3 days of pure sleep and no computer and writing, lol.
btw, there are two stories here that I posted recently and you never commented on, and one of them I just posted cuz YOU said childish stuff was nice! :$
I really like the edits. Good job. You are getting such a great reception at RIL, Uncategorized, you should now feel duty-bound to tell us who you are!
Noor
hahahahahah! Noor you’re curiosity is getting to you, eh?
Haha, I just like to know who I am talking to!
: )
Maybe someday when the time is right :). I am sorry but for a number of reasons I need to keep my identity a secret for now.
Uncategorized, your expansion has made the piece even more powerful. Very good writing style, and the emotions rage on paper.
Sidra and Noor, after eid sounds good for the story writing thing. Sorry about being lax…things were just insanely crazy lately. Reading your posts right after this…
And Sidra, childish stories are just awesome, aren’t they? :). They’re so relaxing to read.
With these final edits I have made today. I feel the poem is now complete. I have one more stanza in mind but my expression is too weak to give it proper form.
Thank you Hasnain and Noor for your encouraging comments. I leave you with something that you may find interesting in the next comment.
Apologize
by Timbaland
I’m holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I’m hearing what you say but I just can’t make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you’re sorry
Didn’t think I’d turn around, and say…
Chorus
That it’s too late to apologize
It’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize
It’s too late
I’d take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it’s nothing new - yeah
I loved you with the a fire red-
Now it’s turning blue, and you say…
“Sorry” like an angel
Heaven let me think was you
But I’m afraid…
Chorus
Whoaa ohhh…
Bridge (guitar/piano)
hey, hey…
It’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late
I said it’s too late to apologize, yeah-
I said it’s too late to apologize, yeah-
I’m holding on your rope, got me ten feet… off the ground…