Excerpt
This is part of a story I’m working on. Hopefully it’s not too out of context – but the scenario is simple enough. The guy is on a mission in a land of darkness. It’s night. He’s sitting in a cave before a fire, and feeling mighty low….
The fire casts a silent shadow of me that flickers restlessly. I look at it for a long time. It looks back, a hunched blob of darkness wracked with tremors – the palsy of fire. It will die soon. After the flame goes out.
Death, the ultimate rest, the maggot-fest. I wish for it right now. It’s a small escape hatch from a soul ablaze. With death, everything will go, sucked into annihilation.
The fear.
The uncertainty.
Who knows, mayhap I will see her again above the clouds, beyond the neverending blackness. Where memories of a past love frolick in a stream of consciousness.
At least with death, there will be no more thought.
The flame is dying. Lucky bast***. It’s embers are glowing dully like a throbbing headache. Soon, even that ethereal glow will wink out.
And then I will sit surrounded by the darkness that blinds all senses.
since Ive known ur brown ass for 20 yrs, Ill go rite ahead and dissect.
Your imagery is spectacular, and the emotional charge of teh atmosphere unrelentlesss. However, I feel this is too rhetorical, too magnified, if u know what I mean. You’re doing, my man, what Kashmiri reminded us not to do, i.e. deify our werds till they become hollow shells.
yet I do realise that this is a meandering account of a man’s thoughts in a land of shadow. From that perspective, a lot of it becomes acceptable, but only in the rite context.
8.5/10
I disagree with Usman. It is NOT rhetorical, and it’s magnified to just the right size.
I don’t think your words are hollow shells at all. On the contrary, they are full of images, some skin-crawling: “maggot-fest;” some alluring: “a past love frolick in a stream of consciousness,” “ethereal glow will wink out” (marvelous use of the word ‘wink’ by the way); and some passionate: “a soul ablaze,” “wracked with tremors of the palsy fire,” “sucked into annihilation,” “like a throbbing headache,” and “blinds all senses.”
Yes, the imagery is wonderful, and no, it is not rhetorical and magnified to a degree of pompousness.
I realize that context is necessary in a piece like this, but you provided adequate background by saying that he’s “feeling mighty low.” I am all jazzed up to read the rest of it.
Also, the shorter fragments “The Fear,” “The uncertainty,” work well in creating an atmosphere of dread. I likes. I likes a lot.
Ouch.
Grow up. : ) We disagree at last, friend!
Oh wait. We shall disagree more. That is the natural order of things. Entropy dictates that we must break apart in shadows and whispers.
Entropy. I like it. Delta S, it’s called. More entropy, more disorder. I never thought about using it in a poetic sense. I like it. I like it a lot.
Thank ye both of you…I’m glad ye liked it. That gives me enough motivation to continue working on the story
.
(As for the ye’s, blame it on my Irish coworkers. Do you know they actually still use ye for you in both spoken and written?)
And ooty, I’ve known your brown ass for as long as you’ve known mine. With all this ass-knowing going on, I think it’s time we reconsider doing the novel-writing thing! What do u think?
What say Noor? After all, it’s nanowrimo month…we can do a shorter version, two weeks only, 10,000 words. It’ll give u a chance to finish your story too, and give me the motivation to finish mine…
And now u two may get back to yer bickering
Haha! I’m in. Ask Mister Doctor here. He has enough time to start a political debate about the Jernail, but I suspect he won’t have enough time to do this…something with a cause which will actually pay off, as opposed to the futility of the arguments presented for or against the actions of the Jernail.
Usman, I know you have very strong feelings for this issue. I was just kidding. : )
Anyway, I’m in. My writing will probably be full of crap, but I can at least get the full story out of my system.
What about the rest of the gang here? Anyone interested? Sidra? Sana (haven’t spoken to you in forever)? Badtameez sisters, Mahey and Qurat? The drifters?
Okay, brilliance! I just had a brief chat with Sidra too, and she suggested we do this over December, when everybody’s semesters end.
Ooty and his brown ass will still be busy then, but what the hay!
I could go either way, i.e., now or later. The only problem is that I’ll be in Pakistan over December IA…so after countless kebabs and nihaaris, I think I’ll have the motivation of a boa constrictor after its eaten a goat. But I could do it if everybody else is in on it too!
Sorry for the spam, but we could also have two…one now and one later.
The one we start now can be a mini one – small goals, small time period and small enrollment. The one in December can be a RILapalooza, with would-be hosseinis diligently pecking away.
Sorry, I’m just excited about this!
wah!! a very famous post this has become, 10 comments! yes I am up for the 10,000 word thing Insha’Allah, but in the december hols, not before that. And Usman will have to push his sister to write cuz she seldom does it without a kick. Noor, you can prolly ask Mahey if she wants to do it, seeing that she’s more inclined towards writing, of the two.
And about your post Husnain, I always like the mise-en-scene (a fancy term I learnt recently, though I think its more applied to film than literature but it basically has to do with the mood and setting of something.) So yes I always like that there is a VERY strong sense of mood and setting in your writing that comes across with your use of highly metaphorical language. It’s a good engaging start to a piece, please do continue.
im in for the 10,000 words thing inshaAllah..
Let’s do the miniseries now and go for the long haul in December with all the talented kiddies here. Sidra, your comments are always sophisticated. Good job. : )