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There are many facets to the journey of pregnancy. Any woman who has ever been pregnant knows, and any woman who intends to bear a child should beware that there are as many opinions about the journey of pregnancy as there are pregnant women in the world. The opinions usually oppose one another, but mostly they are aimed at transferring centuries-old myths and opinions which have been passed on to our mothers by their mothers, and unfortunately have not evolved with time. Our concept of motherhood is not of the personal bond between a mother and her child but more about the self sacrificing role that a mother MUST play at every stage of her child’s life, starting from the minute she finds out she is expecting.

It is literally impossible for a woman to admit she was actually disappointed to hear she was pregnant, or to have a few days of grief where she gets herself used to the idea of motherhood, or to her body no longer being her own. It is not necessarily a stage that lasts long but in today’s world where young women are leading active lives, and have plans for the future having a baby may not be on top of the list. Expressing such disappointment is openly frowned upon. It is expected to be natural to feel elated and blessed every time this news is heard. One is expected to thank Allah and remain eternally grateful for the blessing. Now there is nothing wrong with this idea and actually this is what most women do. Anyone who has been trying to have a child would know how it feels to face the disappointment over and over again. However, the truth is that this gratitude does not come naturally to all women and with most, it mostly grows with time. As women go through the nine months with the baby, feeling her every movement, her growth… sometimes even feeling her moods… there is an intimate bond so special that no human can deny it. Motherhood comes naturally, in its own time. The initial disappointment, if it exists, never lasts for long and in fact gradually turns into the elation that is expected at the first instance. The taboos associated with a woman complaining about her pregnancy, or being burdened by the responsibility she has been given are unfair. Rather than being ‘told’ what to feel, pregnancy should remain what it is. A personal intimate journey that a mother and a child experience together.

The first time you see your child on the ultra sound screen, or are told about its existence an immense sense of responsibility comes over every woman. A first time mother is amazed at the ability of her body to provide a home to another human being, and most of all the sanctity of her body. The only problem here is that suddenly her body becomes an item of public interest. She suddenly sees herself, and she is reminded by others to be a ‘carrier’ for the baby. That she must ‘eat for the baby’; ‘drink for the baby’ and her every movement and action should be geared towards the baby. For a mother her first trimester this is especially difficult as she is going through morning sickness and other physical dilemmas. On top of that she is made to feel responsible, to eat more and more, not for herself but for the baby. The sacrificing of the self that is associated with motherhood is expected to come as early as the first few months. Luckily many women are fortunate enough to have their loved ones tell them to eat for themselves, look after themselves because a healthy and happy mother will make a healthy and happy child. This makes things easier because here the mother sees herself and her child as one, both being important in their separate identities.

It is very important to have a doctor who is a friend, who sees an expectant mother not as a patient but as what she is, a mother to be! A girl who is turning into a woman, who is experiencing all kinds of unknown emotions, her body is experiencing new things and she is being taught new roles and responsibilities. In the midst of it all a doctor who can make her feel not just looked after but cared for is critical. The normal response of all women towards an anxious mother-to-be is that millions of women have repeatedly done it so it is obviously not very difficult. Rather than relaxing her, this makes her feel alone and inadequate.

Of course the most important person still remains the father of the child. This is the time when the woman really needs her husband to be the hero, to be the knight in shining armour, help her when she gets scared and still treat her like a princess even when she is feeling and looking exhausted, cranky and all hormonal. Husbands have their own reactions to the whole experience of pregnancy. Many feel left out of the experience, many feel that the woman now has an excuse to make them stay home more and ruin their social life, many want to send their wives away to her family, not as much as to relax her but not have to handle her health or her mood swings, many are worried about how the wife starts to look or act, her gaining weight is a problem. But men are also human and therefore, confused in their own way. They also go through the journey like women do and they need guidance like mothers to be. It is difficult for a man to show concern for his wife without being labelled. For many it is difficult to feel concern as they are too busy wanting a boy, or wanting to meet the criteria of masculinity our society has promoted. The husband’s support or the lack thereof can make or break an expectant mother. A child who comes into the world has to come into a home which is full of love and nurturing and this can not be provided when the father can not find it in his heart to love the mother.

The most difficult aspect of pregnancy is of course the grand finale. The decision of a normal birth as opposed to a C-section. This is where the opinions matter most especially for a first time mother who has no idea of what she will be going through. The fact remains that both the options are painful, both involve stitches and healing time. Only in one the pain is more pre-birth and in the latter it is post-birth. However in both the cases the mother needs physical and emotional relaxation which is difficult as she is now officially a mother. She has to now feed the baby, amongst other things and even though she has help for once she has a person who is totally vulnerable and helpless and needs only her to survive in the world. It’s the toughest of all roles and the toughest of all times. I haven’t been there yet so I don’t know. What I do know is this. Many women have advised me not to cry or scream or complain when I am in pain, simply because it appears inappropriate. Many have advised me not to rest too much and focus on the baby instead. Many have told me how stuffing my mouth with cloth will help me not scream or make any noise whatsoever. I have seen women bear children, I have seen them not complain and I have heard them scream. The truth is it is not easy and after nine months of a tough pregnancy, when you want it all to be over as peacefully as possible you know it won’t be easy. Once again you need the support of those around you who tell you to take your time and make your decisions yourself. Who advise you to listen to your body and your emotions rather than responding foolishly to old myths and traditional beliefs. ‘Mother knows best’ is something all children have grown up knowing and even at the time of birth this is true.

Each pregnancy is a unique journey and yet all are complicated in their own ways. We can go on questioning why it had to be so difficult? Or why women have to endure all the pain? But the truth is that only a woman can say at the end of nine months that it was worth it. The most difficult thing in the journey is the realization that one has to grow up eventually and take on more responsibilities than one is ready for. Our reactions to our pregnancies are unique. Our relationships with our children are unique. The important thing is for the people who are there around pregnant women to be more supportive and cognizant of this individuality. Let every girl evolve from young womanhood to become the most valuable person in some one’s life. Allow her to form her own opinions and most of all trust her. We all look up to our mothers and want to love our children the way we were loved. Its God’s gift to humankind and there is no doubt that every single woman who carries a child will love it more than anyone else in the world. But she can not do it alone and she can not do it by sacrificing her every need, her wishes and her body. A happy and healthy woman makes a happy and healthy mother, makes a happy and healthy home.