The Darkness
The Darkness
There is a darkness
That he battles;
A shadow that eats
The skeleton of his famished faith.
It spreads,
Snaking across his body
Like charcoal vines
Crisscrossing,
Tangling,
Thickening,
Announcing
His impending doom.
And he takes large gulps of air
As if he is a drowning man,
Coming above the mighty waters
For a mere instant,
While he feels the life
Seeping out of his weakened limbs.
He builds barriers around fences
To capture this untamed blackness,
And it circles him
Like a predator
Readying to pounce on the doe.
But there is purpose
In his hollow eyes.
They say something,
Something precious,
A last word that dies quietly
In the deafening roar
Of this darkness
That he battles.
And it feeds like a hungry vulture,
Picking bone, sucking marrow,
It feeds.
It feeds.
It feeds.
Okay. This was not bad. I like the flow, the way the poem becomes dark darker darkest. And some images are brilliant:
“A shadow that eats
The skeleton of his famished faith.”
Lovely!
However this wasn’t the best Ive seen from you. Some images are cliched! Drowning in water, building barriers to trap untamed darkness…the like.
“And he takes large gulps of air
As if he is a drowning man,”
I don’t know but this sounds awkward. “If he were” sounds better to me.
Overall..not bad.
Who’se he btw? Kafi lost hai bechara…
8/10
Thanks for the critique. It’s not literal. I mean koi bechara nahi hai. It’s just something that popped into my head. And all of my poems have something cliched because I am a very visual thinker and we all watched Titanic…drowning men are a pretty bad image. Just kidding. The thing is, I just wrote what came into my head. Some of it may seem cliched, but that’s what I saw, so I wrote it. Will try to minimize the cliches next time.
see…now youre talking. keep ‘em coming…the dark poems i mean.