Thinking All These Thoughts
Thinking, thinking all these thoughts
A heady numbness o’ertakes me
The breath comes slow, raising, rising—falls.
Sleep eludes, yet languor seeks me
The ground, the world spins slow, oh so slowly.
Heart break, tears fall, in torments unholy.
I find a voice, but hear too much;
Hence I am dumb, with stark horror merely.
And dumbness I find in every voice,
Muteness, eyes up, the tension yet hangs.
Still all is so still, the rhythmic silence yet speaks,
Let it end…Let it end…Let it end…
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Categories: Poems
Dark… This is the second time I am reminded of Alice in Chains.
I’ve read a little of your work and in that light, this poem is very ‘you’ I’m sure ppl will know what I mean as they get to read more of you here. The poem works well, especially the rhyme. i have a soft spot for rhyme, I always think poems that rhyme flow better, though that might not ALWAYS be true.
My favourite parts:
“The breath comes slow, raising, rising???falls.
Sleep eludes, yet languor seeks me”
“Heart break, tears fall, in torments unholy.”
and here’s my critique:
The ‘oh so slowly’ somehow does not work for me at the beginning of the second stanza. It hinders the flow and gives the poem an unnecessary melodramatic feeling.
The use of ‘tension’ hanging is too straight forward in an abstract kind of poem, it comes across as too casual a word.
I really like the last line but my personal opinion I would use commas more than elipses. I would make it like ‘Let it end, let it end, let it end…’ Dunno why but to me that just seems better. But in the end, it’s totally your choice
I like the fact that you’ve used rhyme. I’m kinda sick of free verse myself…mostly bc I write it and dont know how to create rhyme schemes.
The flow is crisp, the darkness boiling! Some really good lines in there…but:
“Heart break, tears fall, in torments unholy.”
Either heartbreak, or heart breaks! Methinks.
“Hence I am dumb, with stark horror merely”
This seems very forced. It throws the reader off and becomes a stumbling block.
“And dumbness I find in every voice,
Muteness, eyes up, the tension yet hangs.”
You have used dumbness and muteness thrice here in total. Too much for such a short poem in my humble opinion, naheen? You might want to rephrase this, if you like.
Other than that, not bad at all. Very Clark Ashton Smithish in its imageries.
7.5/10 if I may…