Mar 31
2007Story of Us
Filed Under (Poems) by Noor-ul-ain Noor on 31-03-2007
Story of Us
The bus moved quietly along
And the sky was still dark
Although it was after dawn.
The air was hazy
And stars were twinkling still
In the gray shadows of the sky.
The bus moved quietly along
And at the stop sign on B and 2nd
I looked outside the foggy window
And saw a lone street light.
It blinked at me,
Flickered hopelessly,
Trying desperately to hold on to
Its last breath of life.
It fought a hard, unpromising fight,
Which was doomed before it began.
The battle was lost,
The war was over,
And with a final glimmer
It died quietly
After its futile struggle.
I looked away
And the bus moved quietly along.
The lone street light had just told me
A story of us.
ABOUT
This poem is like a puzzle. You keep reading the whole thing wondering what the whole thing is about until you read the last line. Its an interesting style that keeps the suspense until the very end :). I hope I understood it correctly!
This is a good piece. You’ve set the mood nicely. It builds up well and ends at a quietly desperate note. Werks fer me.
“The battle was lost,
The war was over,”
This was just the slitest bit cliched for me. U mite want to rephrase?
Otherwise, a good piece. I like the symbolism inherent in the poem. The sky dark even though dawn has begun, the bus rumbling along, a lonely traffic light… You remind me of Dante’s Comedia: In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in dark woods…
Good show. I hope you don’t mind my rating this. I’ve been working with writing workshops for too long not to.
8/10
workshops rate stuff? scary…