Ux
Like untainted paint of the morning sky
She wakes dazed with unfocused lazy eyes
Her first breath purity it signifies
While she stays oblivious of the world’s lies.
She floats among barren fields of lost joys
And collects remnants of ancient laughter
Oh trees bow down to her innocent guise
Flowers kiss her feet, their heart’s aflutter.
Sad eyes roam the world light as a feather
For she radiates the return of bliss
Sings the night resurrecting earth mother
Clutching life, she vaporizes the abyss
Her shadow burns bright the darkest corner
She is light while dusk remains a mourner
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Categories: Poems
besides the fact that it is a Maheyian Sonnet, hehe, i tihnk this is GORGEOUS! I love the poem, the idea, the imagery,the style!
Well done!
touching…
but again, the punctuation needs to be worked on, lol.
It is beautifully written. The sentiment behind it cannot be questioned or paralleled.
Perhaps you should not call it a sonnet, but just the UX because it says so much about your piece.
It is not a Maheyian sonnet, even though that sounds pretty cool. I would have to disagree with Sana. It is a “loose” Shakespearean sonnet in that it does not have a solid iambic pentameter, but it does follow the abab cdcd rhyme scheme and has three quatrains and a couplet. The Petrarchan sonnet form is slightly more well-known and dates further back than the English/Shakespearean sonnet, but as the name implies Shakespeare wrote a hundred something odd sonnets following this form. They were all desperate and he was whining for love in all of them, and I have a great aversion to them (haha) but this is a definite sonnet form.
Well done. Do not change anything in this piece, but try to write another sonnet with iambic pentameter and maybe another form like the Petrarchan or the Spenserian forms. You will enjoy the challenge. I know you will.
Actually, maybe you could make some changes. The whole sonnet has a very classic, old English sort of charm. One line in the first quatrain “unfocused, lazy eyes” is bothering me. Maybe change it to something more old-fashioned. “she wakes with a grim haze in her eyes” or something. You will surely come up with better words.
In the second quatrain, it should be one of the following:
“their hearts aflutter” or “their hearts’ aflutter” since flowers represent plural. The first one would be a better choice.
The third quatrain is very vague and I did not understand what you were trying to say. There are too many undefined things going on. Sad eyes, light as a feather, resurrection of earth mother, and abyss. Maybe you should break down your message, so that it is more clear. The final couplet is amazing and encompasses the essence of the poem. Work on that third quatrain though. xox always.
P.S. Did I mention how much I loved the final couplet?
This was a SPENCEREAN SONNET. It has 10 syllables per line and follows the abab bcbc cdcd ee pattern.
it doesn’t have 10 syllables per line. there are either nine or 11 in the first quatrain alone. but that does not matter. it is a great poem and the message is very strong. that is what matters.
haha…i was only kiddin about the maheyian sonnet :$
hehe
Guys you took this poem apart as if was some blue print of a structural engineering drawing.
Its a poem for crying out loud! It has flow, it has depth and it has touched my heart. If piece of writing can achieve that then it has fulfilled its purpose
.
sorry, mahey and i have an understanding about corrections. no offense meant to anyone. my sisters and i have dissected many poems together. this one was the first in many months that i could ‘sink my teeth into.’ i got a little carried away.
thank you for the comments. i enjoy all of them. *yawn* im sleepy.
Most things have been said and I will not rehash them. Some images are beautiful, but I do have a few issues with the flow bc of the rhyme scheme…but then again Im not great at rhyme scheme myself…
One thing that especially bothered me was the use of “heart’s aflutter”. Seems a bit forced and childish to me, if u dont mind my saying.
“Her shadow burns bright the darkest corner
She is light while dusk remains a mourner”
This, I feel, is the strongest and the darkest couplet of the poem. But don’t u think ‘her shadow burns bright IN the darkst corner” would be better? Your call of course…
8/10